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February 20 Ovaries, etc. Well my first cycle of temperature taking is underway, albeit a bit rocky. For some strange reason I keep waking up at different hours which makes taking my temp at the same time everyday kind of difficult. I ended up waking up Wednesday at 0630 (even though my alarm was set for 0730) and that turned out to be "day 1" so I thought "Well, 0630 isn't so bad. I can do that for the entire cycle." So yesterday my alarm was all set for 0630...and I wake up at 0500! WTH is up with that? And today? Today I woke up at 0400! When I wasn't waking up to take my temp, I'd sleep just fine until 0830 or 0900, and now I can't sleep through the morning to save my life! It's just so weird. So it's been a bit rocky to start off with, which isn't that bad since this cycle is more of a test run anyway. I don't expect the "results" to show much since I've just come off of the BCP's. I'm also just curious to see what my body is going to do with itself. I've always been kind of an anomaly anyway, so we'll see. In other completely unrelated news, I managed to FINALLY pay off my credit card last month. It's taken me about six or seven years but I finally did it. I was the "typical" American that had accumulated almost $10,000 in credit card debt, so you can imagine how it feels to be completely out of debt...well credit card debt anyway. But my stupid credit card company continued to draw out my automatic payment, and when I checked my bank statement yesterday...there it was. My payment to a credit card company that I don't owe any money to anymore! They still took $200! Bastards! It took me forever to get a real person on the phone, but when I finally did, they said I should have my money back by tomorrow. We'll see. They better hope I do or they will not like me very much when I get them on the phone again! February 15 On Ovary OverloadDisclaimer: Let me start by saying that I'm ONLY 32...and I know that 32 is NOT old. So, after reading the following entry, I do not want you to leave a comment saying, "But you're only 32 and 32 is not old" because I already know that. Also, it's very "female" centered, so you may want to skip this entry Bob! I won't be offended, I promise! End of disclaimer.
So realizing that 32 is not old, I still have to take into account that many many medical professionals say that a woman's fertility greatly decreases after age 35. I also realize that 35 isn't old...but I'm a mere 2.5 (almost) years away from being 35. Two and a half years is not a long time if you're thinking about baby making. Especially when you've had a doctor ask your permission to speak with a fertility specialist based on your test results and then had said fertility specialist say they can "help me" when the time comes. What the eff does that mean? That tends to scare a girl who has forever wanted to have a baby (like almost dropped out of college to do it...until her very smart friends talked her out of it). So I think I'm back to being on full-on baby obsession.
Also, I'm single still. Which isn't really the main problem because I am (albeit self described) fiercely independent. Always have been. I like living alone. I like the fact that I can do ANYTHING that I want with no one telling me otherwise. And I like the fact that I can do absolutely nothing at all and not have anyone telling me otherwise. I'll admit there are times when I'm lonely and wish I wasn't single, but those times are not as numerous as the other times when I think it's great to be alone. Yikes, that is kind of a scary thought. Am I doomed to be single forever? If my attitude doesn't change, then maybe. Oh well. Like I said, that's not the biggest problem.
Now, being that I'm fiercely independent, I've been thinking about having a baby on my own. Think turkey baster people! Yep, I said it. It's not the most romantic of ideas, but what can ya do? Desperate times call for desperate measures. When I'm 90 (God willing) and I look back on my life, if I'm being completely honest, I think I could live without a husband, but I really don't think I could live without a baby. I don't do well with regret, so this thought is scaring me into action. It's getting to be that time people. The time to take action.
My regular doctor (who is NOT the doctor who originally ran the hormone tests) referred me to see another fertility specialist (not the same one who was consulted a few years ago) and I saw him in November. He was SERIOUSLY lacking in a bedside manner and acted as if I was completely wasting his time while I was there. I mean, I realize that he's a big shot baby making machine and that (at that time) I was not trying to make a baby, but he obviously didn't want to waste his time with me. Nearing the end of the appointment he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to go over and when I tried I got a little emotional (hey, it was also right before my period, so I was overly hormonal). While I was trying to compose myself so I could talk he actually said to me, "So why did you come here? Surely you didn't just come here to cry, did you?" I swear that's what he said! I just wanted to get out of there as fast as my feet would take me. So sorry to waste your precious million dollar baby making time!
This brings me to today. I've decided to take the situation into my own hands, so to speak. The big mystery is if I ovulate or not, so as of Saturday I took my last birth control pill (BCP) and am beginning to chart my basil body temp. I will be patient and not expect to "see" anything for two...maybe three...months, but after that, I should hope I'd see some evidence of ovulation. I think if I can at least have some hope that I DO ovulate, it will relieve some of the pressure. Oh, and I've been on BCP's for SO long and my cycle wasn't exactly (or anywhere near) normal to begin with, so I'd like to see just how messed up I really am. All these years I've been referring to myself as "broken" so now is the time to figure out if I'm right or not. Doctors tell you that no one knows your body like you do...so I'm scared that I've been right all along. But at any rate, I'm hoping (either good or bad) that I'll have at least some answers in the near future. I'm not really planning on turning this blog into my own little fertility seminar...but it may creep up from time to time. It seems like everywhere I look someone new that I know is pregnant. And I'm proud to say that I am genuinely happy for each and every one of them...I really am. But I'm just thinking that it needs to be my turn soon. Ah, the drama unfolds... February 08 Like ordering a Big Mac with a diet soda! Today I... *Did a 45 minute Pilates workout... *Followed by a tossed salad... *And a big ole piece of Oreo pudding pie. So much for the workout and the salad! Oh well. There's always tomorrow... |
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